I don't sugar coat shit, I'm not Willy Wonka....

Today was a shit day, actually the last few were shit days.

It was low, the worst day I have had in awhile.  Which, kind of took me by surprise, because I feel like I have been doing so well; writing, self care, doing more of the shit that I love to do.

So, when I woke up, got the kids situated, looked at my bank account before I go treat myself to a coffee....  My bank account laughs at me, sticks up it's middle finger at me and says a big fuck you, you are not getting no fucking coffee today bitch.

Just like that.

I pick myself up, get the kids out the door, and go back the fuck to bed.  Yes, I did.

I took the kids out on Sunday for my daughter to get a dress for her first Junior High School Dance. I did spend a few more dollars then I should have but I thought I had put some dollars aside but bills and a few other things I needed.  Well, bring in misc. payment and a I fucked up, and that was it.

I'm usually pretty good with my money because if I'm not, it stresses me the fuck out.  I hate being financially strapped more then I have to be.  I like having my financial ducks lined up and knocked down.

Money is one of those circumstances that triggers anxiety/depression for me.  I've never had money, so I have always been pretty careful how I spend it and where it goes, very few indulgences because any extra I have usually goes towards my kids and their activities.

So here is the situation, I live on my student loan and child tax credit.  Which is not very much.  I do my best to live within my means, but sometimes it is damn near fucking impossible.  I'll be working soon on top of being a single mom to 3, and a full time student.

Food alone!!  I know I'm not the only one struggling, I'm trying not to complain.  I have made choices that have lead me to where I am, and I take responsibility for them.  I'm not maintaining a victim mentality, but why does it cost so much to eat!!  I shop at Walmart!

Though as hard as it may be sometimes, I will be ok and I know that.  There are other people and their children who won't be ok.  That is sad and it breaks my heart, because there is nothing more then a parent wants in life then be able to provide for their child.  When you can't, it fucking hurts.

It breaks my heart when my children see me crying when I'm doing my dishes because I am so overwhelmed with trying to find out how to not get the power cut off.  I think to myself, what the fuck do I do?  Do I drop out of school and get a job?  But if I do that, I have childcare I'll have to pay, which I can't afford...  And student loans will want me to start repaying back on my loan.  So, I won't be getting ahead, I'll be more broke then I already am.

I ask for help sometimes from my family, which is so hard to do because I know everyone is trying to make ends meet.  I am pretty blessed to have them, if it wasn't for them, I'm not sure where I would be.  Not for a lack of trying.  I bust my ass everyday to try to make things work, just like every other parent.

It's a hard reality, but its the truth.  People also treat you different when they know that you are part of the "low-income" community.  Doesn't matter how smart I am, what education I may have, what I can contribute, I am different.

That is fine though, because I won't be here forever.  When I do rise, and I will, I will self made and I know how hard I worked to get where I am.  I will never stop trying, I will never give up.  As low as I may get sometimes, like today, I will always pick myself back up and keep trying.  I am not a quitter.  I don't just do it for my kids, I do it for myself because I am worth it.  I have potential and it is up to me whether to use it or let it go to waste.

That is one thing I always value in myself; I trust me to get back up after every single time I fall.  I trust that I will bounce back with the biggest, "fuck you life," attitude and try even harder.  Sometimes it takes me longer to bounce back, but I know that I will.

Money is a dirty word, but it is what it is, and I won't sugar coat the fucking hard realities of my struggle.  Everyone is going through it and everyone is scared to talk about it.  That's fine.  I'll be your voice, your struggle may not be the same as mine, but we all have a struggle we gotta bounce back from.  Sometimes more than once until we get it right.

Again, you are not alone, we are going through this together.  Sometimes that helps just knowing people are working through the same problems as you, and I hope it motivates you to keep picking yourself up.  Especially when you are tired, that's the most important time to bounce back.

Cheers,
Terri xo

PS you won't see another political post from me, it was so fucking depressing and I didn't feel any better after writing it.  You are all smart people, be educated and vote for what is best for you.

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