Well Shit...

I started writing a blog that I thought was clever and funny, and honestly it almost felt forced.  Already I have started to gravitate from my original realisms to writing for entertainment purposes, and then it started to feel unnatural.  Not the original intention for this blog.  So I'm taking a step back to vent about what happened in my day, because that's what this is for.

Last night I was up until 2am working on school work, tossing and turning and just generally restless because I know about the shitload of work I have to complete before the end of the week.  Having that weighing on my head is exhausting.  I'm grateful my professors were kind and understanding in giving me an extension but I'm finding it so much more stressful.

So I'm up at 6am, because that is the time my grandfather arrives every morning to spend time with the children before he drives them to school.  It was so hard to get up this morning, but of course I did and made myself some shitty Cuban coffee because I don't have the gear to make myself coffee from grounds.  So I improvised with a strainer....  Didn't work very well, but it did the job and I miss Cuba with my whole heart today.  If I could afford to go, I would in a heartbeat.

Anyway, children are dressed and out the door.  I go on my laptop and procrastinate, because I am physically too exhausted to write anything comprehensible about a Virtual Child who is rebelling because I've secured a strong emotional attachment which decreased her ability to regulate strong emotional feelings and uses temper tantrums as an outlet.

That said, at 11, I fall asleep, setting my alarm for 12:30.  I sleep right through it and it isn't until the children come home that I wake up, it is 3:20pm at that point.  I have done sit all with my day.

I hop in the shower, kids are fighting downstairs, I'm trying to get dressed, cleaning on my travels...  I realize that it is getting late, and I was going to go to Walmart and pick up some lunch stuffs, but it's past supper time and the children are cranky.  I have a few dollars and order 2 large poutine for supper.

First Isabelle asks, what is for supper, and I reply.  She is so disappointed.  Hannah then asks what s for supper.  She is disappointed.  Every night is the same shit.  They all complain that they don't want what we are having for supper, there are tears and sobbing...  Tonight was no exception.

I got frustrated with the kids, I told them that they obviously don't appreciate what they have.  They have so much more then most children, a lot of opportunities, great school with great teachers, nice clothes, a home, and food in their little bellies.  Again they don't want "that" food.

I lose my shit.

I told them the TV and tablets are off, they can help me clean and earn their electronics back.  If they cant appreciate what they have then they'll have to earn it.  I felt like at that moment they should've been grateful for 'takeout', that I didn't have alot of money to spend, but I did to try to do something nice for them.  They didn't get it and I got frustrated.

We all sit at the table to eat and Beau just starts bawling,  it broke my heart.  I started crying then Isabelle, then Hannah.  We were all sitting at the table bawling over our poutine.  Beau says he's upset because he thinks everyone hates him.  That was the end, I didn't know what to do.  My heart was broken.  Everything I do is for my kids and when they say things like that, it really puts me in check.

I called everyone out into the living room for a circle/family meeting.  I explained to the girls that Beau is feeling left out and that he needed for them to talk to him not at him.  We talked about why I am feeling so stressed, when I am tired it makes stress so hard to cope with.  Why I am working so hard in school, what I needed them going forward.  I told them that I don't always know what to do, but I love them and that I am so proud of them.  That we need to work together as a family, and come up with some ideas with how we can make that happen together.

Yes, I am the mother.  I work really hard to teach them what is right and wrong, how to communicate and be genuinely good people.  They are all different people in their own ways and I try to respect that when I parent them.  I have also learned that my house works better with open communication and understanding.  I am responsible to keep that consistent and sometimes I fail at doing that.  Which leads to little blow ups like tonight.  I value that I can sit and communicate with the kids when this does happen and they receive it well.

I'm not perfect, my follow through is shit sometimes, but I don't give up.  That's what my kids see and what they can depend on.

After al the talking and the tears slowed down, Isabelle and Beau went upstairs to bed.  I sat with Hannah on the couch for a minute just exhausted.  I cried, I don't think she knew what to do, so she sat there.  I got up to go tuck in Beau and Isabelle and she asked what I wanted her to do.  I told her that we had enough for tonight and she could go get ready for bed.

I was halfway up the stairs and I hear dishes banging and water going....

I tuck Beau and Isabelle in, first Isabelle.  I tell her I love her and she tells me she knows and that she loves me too.  I hug her a little extra longer and kiss her a few extra kisses and tell her goodnight, shut the door and go into Beau's room.  He tells me that he is still feeling sad.  I tell him that it is ok to be sad, that we all feel sad sometimes.  I explain if he tells me what it is wrong I can help him, but I can't help him if I don't know.

I lay with him and hug him, rub his back and I tell him, "You are my boy, I love you so much and I am so proud of you Beau.  I'm proud because you are sweet, and because you are kind, and because you are trying in school and now a level B in reading!  You are a good boy and I love you."

As I walk to my room to go write my blog and do some homework, Hannah comes up the stairs.  She has done the dishes and has brought me a tea.  God bless her heart, I am doing something right.  I thank her and hug her and tell her I lover her.  How I appreciate her and I'm so lucky to have her.  Because I am.  Everyday my children push me to my limits and bring me back again.  If it wasn't for them I wouldn't know what I would be capable of.  I am grateful for them, they are blessings.

So this was so much easier to write tonight, and I feel so much better because of it.

This parenting thing is hard, so fucking hard.  But so is any lesson or anything worth having or knowing, you get what you put into it.  Some days are easier then others, I agree.  Today was a hard lesson, and I learned that I need to hold myself and my children more accountable to working as a family/team.

My children got to see that I am human, I am not super mom.  I can't do everything.  I can, however, love them and try, and do the best with what I know.  After all that happened tonight, they love me too and that's a great feeling in itself.  The love of a child is incomparable.

I cried about 5 times writing this tonight, but it feels good.  Maybe someone out there reading this may feel like they are not alone, or can relate, or feel the struggle of parenthood and the next time they are out and see a mom/dad with the screaming baby, feel some compassion in knowing that this parent is probably having a shitty day and is exhausted.  Tell them they are doing good; most parents just want to know that they are not failing or ruining their baby.  They are trying their best and it fills their bucket when someone, even a stranger, recognizes that.

Cheers all, I have a 9am exam and an assignment to finish,
Hope you enjoyed this read,
Terri xo

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