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I don't sugar coat shit, I'm not Willy Wonka....

Today was a shit day, actually the last few were shit days.

It was low, the worst day I have had in awhile.  Which, kind of took me by surprise, because I feel like I have been doing so well; writing, self care, doing more of the shit that I love to do.

So, when I woke up, got the kids situated, looked at my bank account before I go treat myself to a coffee....  My bank account laughs at me, sticks up it's middle finger at me and says a big fuck you, you are not getting no fucking coffee today bitch.

Just like that.

I pick myself up, get the kids out the door, and go back the fuck to bed.  Yes, I did.

I took the kids out on Sunday for my daughter to get a dress for her first Junior High School Dance. I did spend a few more dollars then I should have but I thought I had put some dollars aside but bills and a few other things I needed.  Well, bring in misc. payment and a I fucked up, and that was it.

I'm usually pretty good with my money because if I'm not, it stresses me …

My Drug Dealer was a Doctor - *Warning - some content may not be suitable for all readers*

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYN14UfO-Uc

I think that I may have mentioned before that I have anxiety and ADHD.  My anxiety is manageable, and I was only recently diagnosed with ADHD this past October.  
When I was 15, I would go to my Doctor for an appointment and just break down.  I was sad all the fucking time, I was overwhelmed and I was having a hard time functioning with daily tasks.
Now, my Doctor knew my mom, knew the situation, and prescribed me my first anti-anxiety/depression medication; Effexor, the one she was on herself and was seeing great results. Those didn't work, because it is common sense that not everyone's biological chemistry is the same, and what works for some may not work for others...  Also, perhaps my depression was circumstantial, not biological?  
Did maybe taking these medications while I was still developing permanently alter the chemical composition in my brain?  Why are we telling children not to smoke weed, but here take these chemicals?  …

I am my own worst enemy

Can anyone relate to this?

I have spent the last week wondering what to write next after the success of my last post.

I know I have a part 2/3/4 to write about my mom, but I am not ready to delve into that just yet; as I need to organize my thoughts and timelines to give an accurate representation of my thoughts.  Not so emotionally fueled jargon that is hard to read and wouldn't make sense to anyone.

So, as I sat here most of the day thinking, with nothing to hyper focus on, I realized that I don't do well with self success.  I almost self-sabotage myself every single fucking time.

I am so comfortable with tragedy, financial hardship, toxic relationships, that when I achieve success I rarely don't know what to do about it or how to feel about it. Sometimes I even find myself looking for ways to avoid it or feeling like I don't deserve it.

I work hard because I have goals to achieve, but I am terrified to reach those goals and feel like now what?  I hate feeling stagn…

Mom, Part 1. *Warning, read at your own discretion, some content may be disturbing to some readers*

This is a really personal entry today, it is the truth as I remember it. I'm trying to write this objectively so the details are unbiased.  I won't be using names, except for my mom's, who is deceased.  Some details, may not be as accurate in the timeline because I was pretty young when a lot of this happened.  The events, however, are as I remember them, and how they were described to me, regarding the ones I was not present for.

Some of you may know, and some of you not.  My mom was a drug addict.  Crack was her drug of choice and I spent most of my child/young adulthood taking care of her and trying to make her better, to get back to the mom that I remembered and loved.
Her addictions have ruined personal friendships, relationships and divided our family.  There was always constant fighting and arguing, and anxiety and stress fueled the energy in our house.  There was A LOT of fighting and I remember waiting to see if it would settle down on its own before I would jump …

Well Shit...

I started writing a blog that I thought was clever and funny, and honestly it almost felt forced.  Already I have started to gravitate from my original realisms to writing for entertainment purposes, and then it started to feel unnatural.  Not the original intention for this blog.  So I'm taking a step back to vent about what happened in my day, because that's what this is for.

Last night I was up until 2am working on school work, tossing and turning and just generally restless because I know about the shitload of work I have to complete before the end of the week.  Having that weighing on my head is exhausting.  I'm grateful my professors were kind and understanding in giving me an extension but I'm finding it so much more stressful.

So I'm up at 6am, because that is the time my grandfather arrives every morning to spend time with the children before he drives them to school.  It was so hard to get up this morning, but of course I did and made myself some shitty C…

Just Go the Fuck to Sleep.

Here is the link in the small chance that you haven't seen this youtube video

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cb0t9TUNLpg

Yes it is true.  All of it.  The extra book, bullshit lies about being thirsty, frequent bathroom trips, unable to shut the fuck up, etc etc

They need to write a "Stop saying Mom, for fuck sakes" book, parents with multiple children know exactly what the fuck I am talking about.  Mom Mom Mom Mom Mama Mom MOM MOOOOOM

Till you want scream.  You really do want to.

Listen, I have cooked you supper, washed your clothes, cleaned dog shit off the carpet, washed the dishes, listened to you whine that you are thirsty when your glass of water is 5 feet from your body in your direct line of vision.  So go the fuck to sleep.

I know you are mad at me because I let you play outside instead of calling you in so you can sit down in front of the tv for an hour and watch mindless youtube videos on mindcraft.  Yes, I know you are hungry, why are you asking me what is f…

So, how's that relationship with yourself?

Do you even know what I mean?  
We have all heard about how important social relationships are, peer relationships, work relationships, immediate and extended family relationships, blah blah blah.  That's all lovely, but how is that relationship with yourself?
Have you ever thought to "date" yourself?  Buy yourself flowers?  Treat yourself to a nice meal?  Go do something for you BECAUSE you love you?  I'd say probably no.
When is the last time you asked yourself how you were doing?  What you wanted out of this relationship?  Do you see yourself with low self-esteem?  Shitty self perception?  Or do you see yourself as a great catch that any partner would be blessed to love?
You know that the most concrete relationship we have, is the one with ourselves.  We are engaged in this relationship from birth till death, unlike any other relationship we will ever have to encounter. 
Does that make sense?  
I was talking to my counselor about the relationships, unhealthy ones …